Author: Birthright St. Charles Counselor
We’ve Heard This Before
Our counselors have heard it many times before:
“I want to have kids, but not with him. I can’t believe I let him get me pregnant. I don’t want to be tied to him my whole life.”
Unintended pregnancies happen in a multitude of contexts. Sometimes, they happen with the “wrong” man—someone a woman can’t imagine as the father of her child. She likely feels desperate for this chapter of her life to be over. The anguish in these situations can feel overwhelming.
If you find yourself there, please know that you are not alone. Many women have wished they could rewind the clock and do something—anything—differently to prevent a pregnancy with this man.
Take a breath. We get it. There’s no shame in your honesty or in wishing you weren’t in this situation.
Important Things to Consider
As you’re breathing, take a moment to consider these things:
- This pregnancy is as much yours as it is his. (Maybe more so, because you’re carrying it!) If you want to parent, don’t allow his influence to rob you of that opportunity.
- Remove “I should have” from your vocabulary. Don’t shame or judge yourself for being in this situation. The pregnancy is here now. Beating yourself up won’t solve the problem or “teach you a lesson” for next time. Accepting the reality of the pregnancy will help you make a better decision.
- If you can step back from the dread of this moment, a longer view might unfold. Feelings are always changing. Permanent decisions made in the heat of intense emotions are sometimes regretted.
- Become aware of the legal rights and obligations of parents in your state. If you’ve never been exposed to family law, search for the Legal Aid nearest you. Adoption agencies are also filled with knowledgeable professionals who can advise you on what the future might look like if you choose to parent. Knowing your rights—and his—can help you feel more empowered in your decisions.
- Remember that the role of a father can be filled in different ways. Many children have “father-like” relationships with relatives, family friends, or coaches who provide what their biological fathers cannot.
- Confide in a trusted friend or family member who might be willing to help if you choose to parent. You may be feeling very alone right now. Sometimes, those who love us surprise us with their compassion.
- Find a good counselor. You deserve compassion, support, and a space where your emotions are acknowledged. Therapy was made for messy situations like these.
If you find yourself in this place—or if you’ve had to make this decision in the past and are struggling with it—reach out to Birthright. Our licensed counselors are experienced in this area and are here to support you through it.
